Handling toxic players
Tips for handling problematic players in a roleplaying game
Everybody knows one and nobody likes them. They’re the players who are always late for a session. The ones who always take the spotlight for themselves, leaving little screen time for others. They sabotage the plot just because “this is the way their character would act.” All these cases represent so-called “toxic players”, but there is a solution. Below is a brief guide on how to handle such players.
Impact: ★ ★ ☆ ☆
Difficulty: Expert
Time to read: 9 min
What makes a toxic player?
A toxic or problematic player is someone who regularly disrupts the game’s flow and atmosphere. The gamut ranges from someone who ruins a touchingly sad scene by bursting out into laughter to players killing their whole group just for the “fun” of it. So, what sets these people apart from others? Often, they lack empathy for how their actions affect the other players’ feelings and the general mood at the gaming table.
They usually don’t want to upset anyone on purpose. They just don’t understand that their way of playing might spoil the fun for the rest of the group. And that’s what makes it so tough to get along with them. When you confront them with their misbehavior, they don’t view what they did as wrong and will likely become irritated.
The most annoying things toxic players do
Here is a list of the most common things a player can do to irritate the GM or other players:
- Rude behavior toward the other players (e.g. inappropriate remarks regarding race, gender, religious beliefs, etc.)
- Sabotaging the plot (kill an important NPC, needlessly splitting up with the group)
- Killing the atmosphere with inappropriate out-of-character remarks (e.g. cracking a joke during a sad or scary scene)
- Hiding relevant information from the other players
- Interrupting other players, not giving them a chance to speak, being too bossy
- Interrupting the GM several times while he/she is describing a scene
- Always arriving late to the gaming session
- Playing with their smartphones and not paying attention to the game when they are bored
When to address a problem
Picture this: The player characters are in a dark, damp crypt. They hear a distant scraping noise coming from a gloomy corridor. The atmosphere is creepy and sinister, fear lurks in every corner… Then one of the players yells, “Anyone else want pizza?” while waving his phone around. And poof! The atmosphere is gone! So, what now?
Should you, as the GM, openly criticize this player and kill what’s left of the atmosphere? Or should you generously ignore what’s happened and try to repair the atmosphere? In reality, it’s not only the GM who is annoyed by this disruptive behavior but the other players too. You can then feel the tension in the room, and not addressing the problematic player often makes things worse.
Don’t interrupt the game for too long…
Ideally, the GM tells this player that what he just did was harmful to the atmosphere – as short and brief as possible. What has often worked for me is to simply say, “Please don’t do that. This is ruining the atmosphere.” Avoid a long discussion with the player, as this would ruin what’s left of the mood of your session. In case the player won’t give in, it helps to say, “Let’s discuss this after the game. For now, let’s move on with the story.” The shorter the interruption to the game, the better.
…unless it’s a critical situation
There are some cases where you will have to pause the game. If one of your players decides to kill another player character in his sleep, for example, then the only option is to stop the game and discuss as a group whether or not this storyline is acceptable. But in most situations, a short and clear appeal to the problematic player will work out fine. Don’t worry, most players will immediately realize a mistake after you have told them.
Don’t let things slide. Deal with toxic players quickly. Otherwise one of the other players might quit, because they don’t enjoy playing with the group anymore.
How to address a problem and give feedback
How should you tell a player that you’re unhappy with something they’ve said or done? Try to phrase your feedback from your own perspective. Don’t tell them, “You‘re always ruining the atmosphere” or “You‘re stealing the spotlight from the other players.” This comes across as reproachful. Instead, tell them how their actions are affecting you and the rest of the group. Try saying, “For me, it looks like…” or “I find that…” This softens your feedback considerably and makes it sound less like an accusation. And it lets the other person express their opinion without having to justify their actions right away.
Also, mention that your goal is to have fun together while creating an immersive atmosphere at the gaming table. Try to work together toward a common goal. Asking a third person (e.g. another player) for their opinion can also help. The third person usually has a more neutral view than the GM or the player causing the fuss. This can give the discussion a more objective spin.
What if the issue can’t be solved?
If even a friendly discussion after the gaming session doesn’t solve the problem, then you might consider the fact that this person is not looking to settle the argument at all. Yes, people like that do exist. You might call them unwilling to compromise or simply antisocial. If you’ve got a toxic player in your group who values their own entertainment more than the fun of the whole group, here’s some friendly advice: Have them leave your group.
It might sound harsh, but there’s no other way to solve this dilemma. Discussing issues will only get you so far. If somebody is lacking empathy for their fellow players, this person won’t change their behavior. Even if this player had a crucial role in your campaign, or if you’re one player short without them, dump them! You won’t be happy with such a character in your gaming group and you should be able to find other eager players who will happily join the group and positively contribute to the game.
What if the toxic player is a good friend?
Do make sure to address the issue with your friend outside of your gaming session. Having a discussion in front of the other players could make matters worse. Your friend will always expect you to be on their side, no matter what’s going on in the game session. So if you call them out in front the group, they might feel betrayed by you. The argument could easily escalate to the next level. Then it’s no longer about their behavior but about your friendship. If the problematic player is a good friend of yours, talk to them privately, maybe over a bottle of beer or with a piece of cake.
Aside from this, just treat them like you would treat anyone else. I get it, criticizing a friend is hard. But ask yourself this: If she/he is such a good friend, why are they behaving poorly during your sessions? A good friend will listen to your feedback and will try to find a way to have everyone at the table enjoy the game.
For your entertainment: The worst cases of annoying players I’ve encountered
Enough theory. Now let’s take a look at some real-life examples. Here are my top three funny or weird cases of problematic players from my roleplaying past, including some advice on how to handle similar cases.
1. The one who’s always late
Some years ago, I had a player in my group who always arrived an hour late. When asked about this, he always replied, “I just don’t want to be too early. I hate waiting for the others.” He wasn’t exactly a guy to be reasoned with. Asking him to be on time did not work. He needed special treatment. So I told the others to be one hour late for the next few sessions. It took him two gaming nights until he had learned his lesson!
2. The lovebirds
One of the players wanted to bring her new boyfriend along; they had just recently fallen in love. During a five-hour gaming session, they spent the majority of it drooling over each other and kissing. They paid little attention to the game itself. It was a horrible experience for everyone else at the table. For the following gaming sessions, we had them sit on opposite sides of the table. It worked wonders to keep their attention focussed on the game.
3. The “everybody’s-against-me” player
There was this one guy who just could not lose. He blamed the other players and the GM for all of his failed actions and botched rolls. He kept interrupting the game to discuss how unfair the rules were. In this case, a friendly argument after the gaming session brought no solution. I remember him saying stuff like, “It’s just how my character would act” or “if you don’t do like I say, I’ll leave this group.” No sooner said, than done. We unanimously sent him on a solo quest and kept playing without him. Problem solved.
Yeah, discussions like these don’t always end well. But I hope that these tips for handling problematic players are helpful to you. I’d also love to hear about your stories regarding problematic players – leave a comment below :).
Summary: The three-step plan to handle toxic players
Follow this easy 3-step process to handle players who are spoiling the fun at the gaming table.
SteP 1: Ask for a change of course
(works in 70% of all cases)
During the game, simply ask them to stop their disruptive behavior. Try to avoid a discussion, as this would harm the atmosphere during play even more.
If this does not work, proceed to step 2.
During the game, simply ask them to stop their disruptive behavior. Try to avoid a discussion, as this would harm the atmosphere during play even more.
If this does not work, proceed to step 2.
Stage 2: Discuss in private
(works in 28% of all cases)
Talk to the player in private. Listen to their side of the story. Try to find a solution best for both of you.
If this does not work, proceed to step 3.
Talk to the player in private. Listen to their side of the story. Try to find a solution best for both of you.
If this does not work, proceed to step 3.
SteP 3: Part ways
(for the remaining 2%)
Tell them that you think they’d be better off playing in a different group. Maybe you’ve grown apart, maybe they were a toxic player all along, but now you get to enjoy the relief of not having to worry about this person anymore. Spend more time with the fabulously nice players remaining in your group. Onwards to new adventures with them!
Tell them that you think they’d be better off playing in a different group. Maybe you’ve grown apart, maybe they were a toxic player all along, but now you get to enjoy the relief of not having to worry about this person anymore. Spend more time with the fabulously nice players remaining in your group. Onwards to new adventures with them!
I had the case, where “ignoring” the “toxic” behaviour works out well, too. I had a player, which was always using their phone scrolling up and down and so on. But was not bored and always kept an eye on the story. They was even the first one at rolling initiative. But of course their behaviour gave some critics from other players, and once they had followed the critics. For one evening they let the phone aside but now was building dice towers… Over and over and over again… Or switched to tapping the pencil on the table…. So we always had this noisy background sound.
It turns out (privatly to me, as they didn’t want admit to the whole group), they has a kind of ADHD. All these doings are absolutly not meant to disturb anyone, and they felt very sorry to do so. But they really need something to keep their fingers busy. For the following sessions we’d paid attention that they sat always at the corner of the table, keeping the usage of the phone modest as possible. Because “playing” with the phone was much, much less disruptive as building these noisy dice towers.
(I’d hoped they would use a fidget cube instead, so they got one to their birthday. Didn’t work neither.)
Hi Jörg,
Thanks for sharing this story. This shines a new light on the whole matter. I would also have tried a fidget cube as an alternative to the phone. 😁 Having one person at table play with their phone during play might just send the wrong signal to the other player as you mentioned. Great that this person opened up to you, so you could try to find a solution which worked for everyone at the table.
I once had a player (and good friend) in a long-term campaign who would always draw stuff during play. It took me a few sessions to get used to it. At first it seemed like he was kind of bored, so I talked to him about it.
He said he needed something to help him focus on the game. To be fair he really always paid attention to what was happening in the story. I asked him if he could draw NPCs who appeared during play. So we ended up with great NPC portraits which contributed to the immersion of the whole group.
Sadly I’m in three games and run one game with the same group of people who are all my friends. We run online because of the whole new world thing, but that’s not the point. Every Thursday we have a boring game because the DM is just not really caring it seems, one of the players is pretty much a flake and her boyfriend has to help her out the whole game, the DMs brother and I just roll with it because we have nothing better to do. On Fridays the player that was the flake of Thursday is now the DM and she’s never prepared and doing this all by herself so the game always lasts an hour to an hour and a half. Saturdays things seem to be better but then we have someone who made a character that seems to be making the adventure all about her. Then we come to Sunday, my game. I’m so drained from the toxic games of the previous three days I just don’t care any more. I’m in tears now wondering if I’m the cause of this, if all DnD games are like this, is DnD really for me? I see games on YouTube and I cry wanting that kind of game and then turn around to what I have. I have talked to everyone until I’m blue in the face and nothing works and it’s my friends along with my discord so I can’t just leave. What should I do?
Hey Silver, sorry to hear that. Seems like DnD has become a burden for you instead of a fun pasttime activity.
Here are few thoughts that might help you:
1. Take a break
All GMs out there suffer from some kind of burnout from time to time. There are times when RPGs are the best thing in the world, and there are times when they feel like a chore.
We’ve all been there. Especially when you have so many game sessions per week. 4 games per week, wow now that’s a lot!
I play 1 game per month due to lack of time at the moment. Many of the 100 or so fellow gamers I know play twice per month.
Maybe it’s oversaturation with the hobby. Try not playing for a month or two. Then you’ll likely see things differently and you will most likely enjoy playing again.
2. Try playing with different people
We often judge how a game needs to played by what we are used to. Sign up for one-shot games with people you don’t know and get a feel for how they handle stuff.
I 100% recommend the guys from the Gauntlet community. They are super open for new playes and also very considerate about how they treat each other during games.
Do give them a try: https://www.gauntlet-rpg.com/
3. Don’t compare your games with actual play videos on Youtube
The games on Youtube have been edited and partly scripted to look great and attract viewers/subscribers. There are professional actors and voice actors in there.
Your games are meant for you to spend a great time with your friends. Low-key entertainment.
That would be like me starting to play bass guitar and then comparing myself to a world-famous pro player like Davie504. I’d be super frustrated and throw my bass into the trash 😉
4. Keep in touch with your friends without playing DnD
Stay connected with your friends. Play board games, video games, go out together, you name it.
Show them, that you care – but skip playing RPGs with them for a while. Then nobody will feel neglected, just because you drop out of their DnD session for a few weeks.
Hope this helps! And don’t forget, we’ve all been there.
Sadly, it’s my best friends who seem to be causing the drama. Behind our backs, outside of game these days, they comment to others that they feel my partner and I give each other unfair advantages when we run games. In a previous game, they complained during game that my character was OP. When in both games, it’s been them who have gotten all of the boons. My partner and I just have a bit more experience with the tabletop systems than they do; and I spent time studying the rules to maximize my character in the first game. I’m frustrated because this has been happening for years. I thought we were past it, but apparently not. I feel like we’ve talked to them about it some before, but it’s hard to stand up for myself when I feel like they are ganging up on me. And my partner and I don’t feel like we can stand up for each other because we are actively trying not to “show favorites.” I guess I’ll try talking to them separately again. 🙁
Hi Sam,
Sorry, to hear that. Which game or system are you guys playing?
Several years ago I switched from more competitive games (D&D, Shadowrun, Vampire) to more story focussed games (Dungeon World, Monsterhearts, The Sprawl, indie games). In these games failing a roll never feels like failing at playing the game. Instead the rules reward you for a bad roll with extra XP, bonus dice for future rolls or more narrative rights for the players. This could be an easy fix for your situation.
I have endured toxic players over the years in a variety of tabletop games and sadly, I admit I’ve likely been one myself.
In a recent campaign my character was presented with a compromising situation by our DM/GM. The rest of the player group was unbothered by the situation, and for context they tend to give into immature humor more often than not. That said, the session opened with a mating ritual carried out by a clan of witches. One of our players was a member of said clan while the other two players turned a blind eye and willingly participated.
We had been playing this particular campaign for quite a while, and I had invested a great deal of time and effort into building a character I enjoyed. This one session in particular ruined the entire game for me, my character, and enjoyment. To summarize, the player and DM/GM said I had to participate in the ritual or would forcibly do so. I was given an impossible dice roll and overwhelmingly failed it. Then as I tried to escape the situation narratively my attempts were shut down. My character was subsequently stripped and violated. Afterwards, I now visibly upset, stormed away from the table for the remainder of the game until the very end when I was given an opportunity to part ways with the other players. Still upset I vowed to kill the other players if our paths were to ever cross again in the future, but really because of what happened, I’ve lost all enjoyment in the campaign and feel my character is ruined. I know it’s just a game, I likely overreacted, but I wasn’t happy how all the odds were stacked against me for a plot line that was insignificant to our overall story.
This happened recently. I during and after the events of the session expressed my opposition. Now I don’t even want to play anymore.
Hi Ned, thanks for sharing your story here. 👍
It makes me kind of sad that stuff like this still happens in 2023. 😥
I’ve been in a similar game situation back when I was twenty years old. I was one of the “other players” and was emotionally overwhelmed by what was happening.
I lacked the courage to speak up for the player who was the victim, and I still regret that to this day.
I think your reaction was absolutely appropriate to what happened in your game. You just needed to vent, and stepping away from the gaming table
is IMHO a reasonable way to do so.
The golden solution would have probably been to stop the game and tell your GM that she/he absolutely overstepped your established boundaries and by that made you feel super uncomfortable.
But hey, who has the nerves for that if this happens to you the first time? I get that.
If your playing with a group of close friends, maybe you can sort things about by talking about it outside of a gaming session.
Maybe meet with your GM one-on-one and tell them, what needs to change in order for you to enjoy the game.
If this does not work out, or if your not close with the other players anyway, looking for a different group would what I’d do.
I can imagine, that it will take some time until you can leave this episode behind.
A lot of people have been burnt for tabletop RPGs by episodes like this, and that’s a shame.
I just want to tell you, that it’s not the hobby itself, it was the wrong kind of people and/or missing safety guidelines which make this happen.
If you want to hop on a call or continue this conversation on any other channel, let me know.
What works for me to prevent this from ever happening again to me or one of my players, is this:
I spend 5min per session before the game starts to establish some safety guidelines.
1. Define which topics are a no-go (I always pick “sexual violence”, and then we add other topics where needed)
2. I invite everybody to always interrupt the game, as soon as they feel uncomfortable with a part of the story.
I often play very dark and bleed-heavy games. So I want my players to enjoy these story from a safe angle.
Worked 99% of the time for me. These 5 minutes are well invested time.
For more details check out my tips on safety tools: https://www.dramadice.com/gm-tips/safety-tools-for-tabletop-rpgs/